I am from India. I am married. Recently I discovered chastity cages and role-play games where a woman is the dominating mistress and a man is her slave.

I desperately want to try this and want my wife to control me, order me around, treat me like her slave, and forcefully make me wear the chastity cage.

I am hesitating to introduce all this to her as I fear the following could happen:

1) She gets scared by the idea of dominating me, putting me in chastity cage, or punishing me.

2) She likes the idea very much — and then always wants to control me.

What is your advice? Should I introduce femdom and chastity to her?

Thanks in advance -R

Talking about sexual desire is hard, and sharing a new desire with someone you’re already in a relationship with can be scary. The stakes are higher because there’s a very real risk of damaging your relationship or losing it entirely.

But there are also some really good potential reactions. Your wife might be turned on by your desires. Or she might feel neutrally about them herself — but find something erotic or fulfilling in doing something that brings you sexual pleasure. You may also discover that your wife might also have desires she’s afraid to discuss with you, because she has the same concerns you have. And her desires might turn you on, or be things you enjoy participating in for the sake of her pleasure.

You have to decide if the risk is worth itYou have to decide whether the risk is worth it, but I can give you some advice on how to proceed gently and with caution.

Avoid surprising your wife or overwhelming her. You want to figure out where she’s coming from, and about how much new sex stuff she can process at one time. You’ve already got some information about your wife’s sexual experience, knowledge, and tastes. Even if all you have to work with is your sexual interactions with her, that’s still useful.

What positions do you usually have sex in? If you’re always in missionary with the lights off and don’t do much other than genital penetration, you probably want to start by talking about whether she might want to try a different position, one where she has more control. Don’t jump right to, say, asking her if she’s ever thought about giving a spanking to a man with a feather duster strapped to his buttcrack.

How vocal is your wife during sex? If she talks, something she’s said in the past might be a good starting place. Have you ever seen her read an erotic novel or watch a show with any overt sexual moments in it? If so, asking about her favorite part is another good way to start talking about sexuality as a general subject.

In fact, just asking her if she’s ever considered reading or watching something erotic can open up discussion of sex. And if she expresses interest but hasn’t explored sexual media, you have an opportunity to share that exploration by continuing to discuss it or doing some exploring together.

A less erotically-charged way to bring up sexuality is through family planningA less erotically-charged way to bring up sexuality is through family planning. If the two of you don’t want to have children or don’t intend to have them yet, starting or revisiting a discussion about birth control can help you gauge how squeamish your wife is about the subject.

If you are planning to have children or have them already, bringing up a news article about sexual education in schools can ease you into sharing how your own sexual educations happened with each other. Or you could bring up Indian sex columnist Mahinder Watsa — and I’d recommend you check out his section of the Mumbai Mirror for advice. I live in the US, after all. Watsa is much more knowledgeable about the cultural norms in India than I am, and that might help you with this conversation, too.

The next step is to practice talking about sex with each other. Set yourself up for success: avoid hurting your wife’s feelings. Also, pick a time where you’re relaxed and not likely to be interrupted. That way it’s easier for you to hear what she is saying, and easier for her to hear what you are saying — without jumping to conclusions. It’s important to have a relaxing environment because even for people who talk about sex regularly, it is incredibly easy to feel inadequate. That sometimes turns into defensiveness. Or, sometimes, you may think you hear an ultimatum where there isn’t one.

Spend time on what you both already enjoy about your sex lives first. Build the skill of talking about sex over the course of a few conversations before you bring up things you’d like to explore or add. Use this time to get a solid picture of where your comfort zone and hers overlap —both sexually and conversationally. That will also help to work out any discomfort or embarrassment around the general subject of sex before you throw higher-risk subjects in there.

You don’t have to dive straight into locking metal chastity devices, and you probably shouldn’tWhen you do start talking about new things, reiterate the “Here’s what I love about what we already do” part before you head into “and here’s something I’d like to talk with you about exploring or trying.” The more you err on the side of caution here, the lower your risk is. You don’t have to dive straight in to locking metal chastity devices and — unless she tells you she has a kink.com membership or pulls some piece of expert level sex equipment out herself — you probably shouldn’t.

Solid communication skills are important for your second concern, too. Before you start acting any fantasy scenarios out, you should sit down and talk about what both of you are comfortable with. Be very clear about exactly what you’re agreeing to.

The submissive partner always has the right to end whatever is happening, without having to explain, justify, beg, or apologize afterward. I believe it is absolutely imperative for every partner to have a safe word — a word that all parties involved know means full, immediate stop. Safe words are a standard best practice in BDSM and Kink communities, and I find them to be useful in all kinds of sexual interactions.

Presumably you and your wife love each other. If you proceed with care, pay attention to each other, and keep that love in the front of your mind, you’re working with a great set of tools.

In case you’d like some reference materials: Cleis Press publishes a number of Ultimate Guides to things like kink and sexual fantasy, and Nina Hartley has a highly respected line of educational videos called Nina Hartley’s Guide to… and a book called Nina Hartley’s Guide to Total Sex.

(This email was lightly edited for clarity.)

I’m writing from New Zealand.

I’m a 24-year-old man, average build and height. I am financially stable and independent and have a respectable job. I’m very introverted and almost never venture out and have a small friend circle to show for it, though I do love traveling.

I have never actually had a long conversation with a girl, let alone dated any. Needless to say, I’m a virgin, and paid sex is just too risky for me. I have been very shy about sexuality since early days and have never really opened up to anyone about it. As time passes by, I’m getting even less hopeful of ever finding a soulmate, or even a passing girlfriend. Each Valentine’s is a cruel reminder of how I am alone and have made no progress in the year that went by too.

But these are not the problems. The real problem is that because I keep my sexual frustration so bottled up in real life, I have to resort to alternative means to release myself. I’m masturbating up to 8 times a day in front of a camera where numerous men and women are watching me on the other side. At an age when men find emotional stability and control, I’m turning into an uncontrolled teenager and this is affecting my work, my personality and even my understanding of my own being. I’m asking questions about who I am and what I really want.

I don’t know how to break out of this cycle of porn, excessive self-abuse, and then guilt. Please help me.

Sincerely, R

There’s nothing inherently wrong with masturbation or sexual exhibitionism — as long as the people on the other side of that video stream have agreed to watch you masturbate. But if something is affecting your work and your personality, it is definitely a problem.

And it’s the kind of problem that needs long-term work. If your respectable job gives you enough income to afford one, you should seek out the help of a professional therapist who has a neutral or positive attitude towards sex.

You might want to consider why you’re feeling guiltyTry to get introspective about the details of what sexual buttons this behavior is pushing for you. Sometimes being able to really name our desires helps us understand them, and that process might help you figure out what’s pushing your sex drive into the “excessive” zone and interfering with the rest of your life.

Look for patterns in your behavior: are there spikes in the frequency of your masturbation shows? Or was the increase steady? When you get the urge to fire up your webcam, look for motivations. Is that desire fueled by libido or something else?

You might also want to consider why you’re feeling guilty and why you describe masturbation as something to “resort” to. I wonder if you’ve set up an either/or situation in your head, as though you have to choose either your masturbatory habits or a romantic relationship with a woman. This isn’t true, and you spell that out in your own letter: “…numerous men and women are watching me…”

Not only are there plenty of women who won’t think your videos are gross, there are some who you’ve already seen get into it.Most women are sexual creatures to some extent, just like most men are. Just like you are. Not only are there plenty of women who won’t think your videos are gross, there are some who you’ve already seen get into it.

So when you see that therapist you might also want work on getting more comfortable talking to women. You’ve already masturbated in front of strangers — something many men find absolutely terrifying. You’ve got more than enough courage to get through talking to some girls, and you might find that easier to do online at first.

In the meantime, the best I’ve got is a very sloppy band-aid. Get out of the house. Go hang out with your close friends, or do some traveling and pack your schedule with outside activities. Just stay in public, where you can’t have your hands in your pants. This won’t solve your problem, but it’ll slow it down for a couple of weeks until you can find a therapist.

And remember, the first session is when you decide whether the therapist is a good fit for you. If they don’t feel right you can always find another one.

My penis isn’t straight (I guess think of a typical banana). Will this cause discomfort during sex?

-J

Since you don’t indicate whose discomfort you’re concerned about, let’s cover both. Starting with you:

Did your curve developed over time? If so, see a doctor who you feel comfortable showing your penis to.

Does your penis hurt when you have an erection? Does it hurt when you squeeze and/or stroke it with reasonable pressure? Does it hurt in a resting state? If the answer to any of these questions is yes, take your penis to a doctor.

If the answer to all of those questions was no, you might want to consider finding a willing partner and giving penetrative sex a try. You can always stop if it does turn out to be uncomfortable — because of the curve in your cock or for any other reason.

There doesn’t seem to be any rhyme or reason to who experiences pain from what shape of penisBut is your penis going to cause discomfort for your partners? That will vary.

A brief search of the literature on Peyronie’s disease (a disorder that causes scar-like tissue to develop in response to penis wounds, which then causes the penis to bend, reshape, or shorten) turned up no indication of a correlation between penis shape (or the degree of curve) and discomfort experienced by partners during sex. I did find something pertinent to your problem, though: there doesn’t seem to be any rhyme or reason to who experiences pain from what shape of penis.

I’ve personally been penetrated with a wide variety of phallic objects, including penises that I would describe as banana-shaped. I’ve never found a curve to be a reliable indicator of discomfort in penetrative sex.

See, there’s a reason tampon instructions say to aim for the small of your back: internal genitalia tend to tilt toward the spine. Meanwhile, to stimulate a lot of the most sensitive bits — the g-spot, prostate, and clitoral sponge —the instructions in sex guides say to press towards the front of the body.

Between the angle you want to approach insertion from and the locations of the best places to rub, you’re basically playing a lubed up cross between tetris and billiards. And that’s whether the appendage you’re penetrating someone with has a 90 degree bend, is exactly 180 degrees flat, or has multiple joints. Like a finger. Or a few fingers.

And every single person’s body is different. And sometimes, depending on the day or what level of sexual arousal they’re at, they like different kinds of stimulation.

So, just like everyone else, you’re going to have to experiment to figure out how your bodies fit together best, and how they fit together best in different positions. Pay attention to your partner — their words, nonverbal sounds, and physical feedback like pulling you closer or tensing up. Ease off if they tense up, and ask whether they’d like to stop or continue at a slower pace.

Pay attention to your own body, too. What feels good, what feels great, and what feels like it isn’t lining up. Apply the last four steps of the engineering method: test, if it works only partially or not at all then make changes and test again, and communicate the results whether it works or not.

My girlfriend (3 months) and I just broke up because I wouldn’t let her read text messages between a female friend of mine and me. I’d like to get your take on whether and when a person should be entitled to view the private communications of his or her significant other.

Yesterday I received text messages from two different girls in relatively short succession. One was a simple “No problem” response to an apology I sent to a neighbor friend who I had just brushed off because I was running late for a meeting. The other was from a close long-time friend who I haven’t spoken to in months and haven’t seen in over 5 years. My girlfriend saw my response — she was sitting right next to me and I made no attempt to conceal it. Here’s the full exchange:

Friend: I had a dream that we traveled to a place with jumping baby kittens.

Me: Lol, I love it. How are u? I miss u.

Friend: Haha good just working like crazy. I’m getting LASIK tomorrow

My girlfriend flipped out. I explained that this is just a friend, who I do miss, but we have never had any romantic involvement. My GF wasn’t satisfied and demanded to see my phone so she could scroll through previous conversations. I’m fundamentally opposed to this, but in the heat of the moment I thrust my phone into her hands and said to go ahead. There was nothing scandalous to find, but she was still furious all day. Finally that night, after speaking to her friends, she decided to forgive me and invited me over.

The phone, or the relationship

The next morning, however, the moment we woke up, she demanded to see my phone again to go through the text messages between my neighbor friend and me. I told her no — that I don’t believe it’s right for her to violate my privacy like that. She took this as effective proof that I must be hiding something and delivered an ultimatum: the phone, or the relationship. I told her that if that’s all our relationship was worth to her, it would have to be the relationship because I was not going to give her my phone.

We’re both quite stubborn — the relationship is over. As a matter of fact, she wouldn’t have found anything remotely concerning had I given her the phone. But I don’t believe that what she was asking for was acceptable, so I took a hard line. What do you think?

For what it’s worth, I don’t frequently text other women. Receiving two texts back to back like that is uncommon for me.

-J

Catching a glimpse of a text conversation while snuggling with the person who is texting is a common occurrence and usually completely innocent. Demanding full records of all communication is different. Whether you’re a romantic partner or the NSA, demanding to dig through a person’s phone — or, even worse, letting yourself into someone’s accounts without permission — is an invasion of privacy.

Who you text, what their genders are, and how frequently you text them aren’t the real issues here. Also not the issue: whether it is acceptable for your girlfriend to view your communications. It’s your phone, your personal boundaries, and your relationship. If you didn’t consider it a violation of privacy to have your phone looked through, most likely you’d fight about another boundary. See, these (exhaustingly common) disagreements over privacy and autonomy regularly turn out to be about a core issue in the relationship, like insecurity. Or jealousy, which tends to grow out of insecurity.

It’s your phone, your personal boundaries, and your relationshipWhile you did say the two of you just broke up, you continue to refer to her as your girlfriend throughout your email. So I’m going to work from the assumption that you’re still emotionally invested and might be interested in continuing your relationship.

If the two of you do try to continue dating, you might be tempted to agree to give her some amount of regular access to your phone. Don’t do that. It tends to lead to further encroachment on your boundaries with every successive fight. When a person is looking for reasons to be suspicious, they will find those reasons everywhere they look.

Remember how texting isn’t the real problem? Allowing her to look through your phone won’t solve the actual issue, and it will distract you both from the work you need to do to figure out what that issue is. If you can’t identify the underlying problem, you cannot come up with a solution.

Allowing her to look through your phone won’t fix the real problem

So what can you do? If you do want to continue pursuing a relationship with this woman, then you need to sit down with her and have at least one big long talk in which you prioritize figuring out what the hell is going on. Do not try to make her feel bad about reacting so strongly to the texts; make it clear she isn’t allowed to make you feel bad about having both female friends and boundaries. Maybe she’s been afraid to express insecurity and ask for reassurance. Maybe you’ve been unwittingly encroaching on her boundaries and that made asking to invade your phone seem reasonable to her. Maybe she’s got some unreasonable ideas about the differences between intimacy and invasiveness. Three months is a very short time, so maybe one or both of you have pre-existing behavior patterns you haven’t examined and are struggling to navigate around. Maybe the issue is something else entirely, or a combination of things. Only you and your (ex?)girlfriend can figure that out.

If you don’t want to continue this relationship, try to learn from it. You don’t indicate how much dating you’ve done, but — if this girlfriend wasn’t your first — check for patterns. Did your other exes have trust issues too? If it is a recurring thing, you can save yourself (and your partners) a lot of headache and heartache by figuring out why it happens — and how you can avoid it. Maybe you aren’t very demonstrative about your affection; there are two solutions here. Either date people who don’t require much demonstration, or put extra effort into building those skills. Maybe you read The Game too many times and are engaging in pick-up artist tactics like “negs”; are you bashing your intended lady’s self-esteem? Even if you have been, there’s still no justification for forceful invasion of your boundaries. But you might want to think twice about purposefully undermining your dates’ confidence if you want to avoid behaviors that people become tempted to indulge in when they’re feeling insecure.

The lines between cuddly and creepy have been blurred in the media for decades A third — but by no means final — option: are you conflating controlling behavior with love, and leaving yourself vulnerable to controlling people? While you’re considering how healthy the relationship examples in your life have been, don’t forget to look beyond who you date to your family and close friends. Are there negative models you might be replicating? The lines between cuddly and creepy have been blurred in media for decades. Notable examples include The Police’s “Every Breath You Take” and, well, all of Twilight. I’m only here to suggest possibilities for you to consider. You’re the only real expert in what your relationships have been like and what recurring themes have popped up.

Personal boundaries matter in relationships, whether we’re talking about access to private communications, the hours spent together, or frequency of sex. Because this is life and not a Disney movie, it’s possible your partner won’t give you what you need or want — your ex-girlfriend might not understand why you have this boundary. If that happens, you’re going to have to make a decision between doing without the privacy you need or doing without her — and, perhaps, wishing her well in her search for someone who loves having their cell phone surveilled.

Me and my partner have been dating for nearly five years, and would say we have a pretty active sex life. However during our time together she has never been able to have an orgasm, either by herself or together. I have tried buying toys for her to use, including the famed Hitachi Magic Wand, but she rarely uses them. I feel as if she is missing out on one of the key experiences of sex and relationships. Each time I bring up her masturbating, she saying she will and yet never does, saying that she feels pressured to do it. I don’t often bring it up, as I don’t want her to feel pressured.

I try not to let this get to me, but It makes me feel inadequate as I can’t help her. After five years I have run out of ideas to help and encourage her in a way where she would feel comfortable and relaxed, instead of pressured.

Is it normal to feel like this? And do you have any tips that could help either of us?

-T

It’s awesome that you care about the pleasure of your partner. It’s nice that you seem to feel a certain amount of responsibility to cause pleasure for them. And it is very sweet of you to bring her presents.

Whether she’s ever had an orgasm isn’t about youThat said, your partner does not owe you an orgasm. Your partner does not owe you a performance of appreciation for all of the toys you’re purchased for her, nor does she owe you a display of gratitude for your concern regarding her nonexistent masturbatory habits. While the sex the two of you engage in is a team sport, and therefore has lots to do with you, her individual sex drive (and whether she’s ever had an orgasm) isn’t nearly as about you as you’re trying to make it.

You say you don’t often bring it up — but you also mention that you’ve bought multiple toys for your partner. You might have delivered them all at once, like a bouquet of potential orgasm inducers in materials ranging from phthalate-free jelly-rubber to solvent-free varnished wood. But I’m guessing you’ve delivered them individually, over some portion of those four-plus years you’ve been dating. So I’m curious about what increment of time you deem “often,” and more curious about how that frequency compares to what your partner considers “often.” I’m especially curious about the latter, because you mentioned that she’s said she feels pressured. And even if you aren’t talking about it often with words, bringing your partner sex toys is still bringing it up.

If your partner doesn’t feel she’s missing out on something, then she isn’tIt is important to remember that the things you prioritize in the world are not necessarily the priorities of your partner(s). Occasionally these differences are a sign that you’ve found a fundamental mismatch in your relationship, but usually they just mean that people are individuals. So, to be clear: if your partner doesn’t feel like she’s missing out on something, then she isn’t missing out on anything. If she doesn’t want to have orgasms, it shouldn’t matter whether she’s ever had one.

Once you think about it that way, encouraging her toward something she might not want at all is kind of pushy. Consider, instead, trying to figure out why you’re making this into a thing that feeds feelings of inadequacy in yourself. Once you’ve got that under control, you should probably find out what your partner thinks is key to sex and relationships. She, like lots of other people in the world, might think that intimacy is more of a priority than orgasms — especially since orgasms are not a thing that all women experience.

I love going down on my girlfriend. She’s really into it, and since we’ve been dating for some time, I know what she likes.

But, after we’ve both orgasmed the first time and we’re aroused enough to continue, she seems to enjoy oral sex a little less and prefers penile penetration. But, I’m not always up to it, even though I have an erection.

Is there something special I could do that could hold her interest a second time? I like watching her finish from between her legs and if not she always orgasms easier after cunnilingus.

-S

That’s what fingers are for!Darling! That’s what your fingers are for! And also what dildos are for — although I guess your fingers would still get used to hold the dildo.

As long as your nails are smooth and your hands are reasonably clean, fingers can be even cooler than a penis: they have bones, so aren’t subject to erectile whims, and have joints, which means you can more finely control their movements. And your girlfriend can have as many of them as she wants without anyone having to worry about where all the legs go (which is a major concern if one is attempting to be penetrated at the same time by more than one erection.)

Dildos are also pretty nifty. They come in all sorts of lengths, so it is possible to get one short enough to be inserted and still allow your tongue and mouth full access to every part you have permission to lick. (While it is okay to put a dildo wholly inside a vagina, never ever ever put anything entirely inside an anus. There’s a reason butt plugs have extremely wide bases, and that reason is to avoid going so far up a rectum that they need to be retrieved by a doctor.)

Dildos also come in different materials, textures, and some with vibrating bits. Checking for sharp edges before use and practicing good hygiene are important; these concerns apply to any thing or body part you’re about to insert into an orifice. Anything that can be boiled is always better, and any toy that might be used by more than one person needs to have a condom on it during use or be thoroughly boiled between uses. Oh Joy Sex Toy is a great place to start learning about toys and safer sex practices. Good luck, and I hope you find at least one solution that makes you both happy.

I’ve just moved in with my girlfriend of about a year and am having trouble keeping an erection during sex. While this problem has plagued us on and off during our relationship, it’s recently gotten to the point where I lose an erection within minutes of having sex every single time, forcing us to resort to oral sex. Part of me wonders if we’re having too much sex (we typically have sex once a day), if there’s something wrong with me, or if there’s something else we can do. Is this common? I hate feeling like I’m letting her down every day, and I hate not being able to perform the way I know I can. Help!

-A

It sounds like you’re putting pressure on yourself to perform, and that pressure is getting in your head and psyching you out. So where is that pressure coming from? I have a guess.

Sex doesn’t need to be focused entirely on orgasmsIf we go way back to the 1800s in the US, when people were categorized as men (who were allowed to own property, vote, and have rights—as long as they looked white and had some money) and women (who were given to men—by their fathers—during marriage ceremonies, denied equal access to education, and treated as walking incubators for babies) the idea that a person with a uterus might want to have an orgasm every once in a while sounded kind of crazy. “Female hysteria” was an actual diagnosis that was applied to people showing symptoms ranging from what doctors now understand as epilepsy though to simple manifestations of sexual desire—like erotic fantasy and vaginal lubrication. Hysteria was sometimes treated by what we now call a vibrator but also sometimes treated by cutting the tip of the clitoris off.

Compared to that, the emphasis on women’s pleasure that happened in the later half of the 20th century in the Western world was necessary and beautiful. But this emphasis sometimes leads to people putting pressure on themselves to have an orgasm, or to make sure their partner has an orgasm, and sex really doesn’t need to be entirely focused on orgasms. This pressure frequently makes relaxing more difficult, putting orgasm further out of reach and resulting in even more pressure.

Recreational sex should be enjoyable. It sounds like sex, for you, has become a task that you want to get an A+ on — to the point that you’re not having fun. So let’s work on finding you some chill with regards to sexual performance, erections, and obligations.

Nobody owes you sex, and you don’t owe anybody else sexThe first thing is to make sure you firmly understand that nobody owes you sex, and you don’t owe anybody else sex. Depending on what turns you on / gets you off and what works for your partner(s), it might be fun to demand orgasms, play with consensual objectification, or frame sexual activity as a service within a dominant / submissive dynamic. Those games, though, are discussed and agreed to before any sexual activity takes place. After all, nobody owes anyone sex — much less penetrative sex or an orgasm. And even in a role-playing or BDSM context, you or your partner(s) should always be able to use a safe word (or safe signal) to call a stop to all the games.

The second thing is to get ready to tell your girlfriend how you’re feeling and what you might like to do about it. Reid Mihalko’s Say What’s Not Being Said formula for difficult conversations might come in handy here. You might start with “I want to discuss something with you but I’m afraid you might think it means I don’t find you sexually attractive.”

Then explain that you’ve put a lot of pressure on yourself to perform sexually, and that it’s gone sideways and is hurting your enjoyment of sexual interactions the two of you have. If you can figure out and share the specifics of where this internal pressure is coming from, this would be a good time to share them.

Explain you’ve put a lot of pressure on yourself to perform sexually The third thing, finally, is to do something. Or rather, not do something.

I suggest you take some time (a few days? a couple of weeks? you’ll have to decide what length of time feels right) off from sex. Think of it as the “turn it off and turn it back on” of fucking. If either of you feel like masturbating, knock yourselves out. If you do feel like masturbating, concentrate on what feels good as opposed to what gets you to orgasm. Don’t hold back from having an orgasm or ejaculating—unless you want to—but keep your focus on the sensations you’re feeling.

Try to be focused on what’s happening in the momentWhen you do start interacting sexually with your girlfriend again, try to be focused on what’s happening in the moment. Think of sex as a fun thing you do with each other—or to each other—that has value as a process. Find the parts about the process that are enjoyable to you: Do you love feeling your cock get hard against her hip while you inhale the scent of your girlfriend’s hair? Do you really really like the way her breath tickles your arm or neck or wherever her breath might tickle?

Oral sex can be a delight, as can digital sex (meaning using fingers) and sex that involves vibrators or dildos. Spend some time getting each other off that way. Like, a lot of time: weeks if possible. Then (pending her consent) fuck your girlfriend with your dick for as long as you’re both having fun and precisely no longer.

Lastly—just to be on the safer side—mention this to your primary care physician the next time you see them. Your sexual organs are part of your whole body, and sometimes changes in things like blood flow to your genitals can be related to issues with blood flow in general.

When you frame sex as a journey, you have a better chance of avoiding pressure to reach the destination of orgasm — and get a fuller experience of the physical sensations and / or emotional intimacy that happen along the way. Worry less about letting someone down and more about all the wonderful parts of sex other than orgasm.

My question is about the content of the role-playing in porn. I get that people sometimes like to see things that are more extreme than the majority of them would do in reality, but there seems to be a large amount of porn that has really messed-up storylines (like father-daughter or mother-son scenes). I guess there is always going to be a very small percentage of sick people who really do like seeing this material, but I would never have thought it would be so prevalent online. Like WTF is with this. I don’t even like writing this message right now because just thinking about this type of thing makes me feel really sick. I’m not a prude by any means, but this stuff is like being put on the forefront of big porn websites. Even when you try to ignore it, it seems to be all over the place.

Anyway what’s your opinion on why all these messed up story lines are so prevalent? Do more people like this shit than I thought? Maybe I don’t even want to know. Sorry for the language, this just bothers me.

-M

My instincts are telling me that you’re either looking in the wrong-for-you places, or you have a major interest in incest that you feel deeply conflicted about — so you’re fixating on what you do find and projecting self-judgement onto others, instead of grappling with the complicated area where your desires intersect with your moral beliefs. Let’s assume the former, and discuss where porn comes from and what kinds of companies produce videos depicting sexual relations between relatives.

Do a little bit of self-education about who is making the porn you’re watching

My first piece of advice is to do a little bit of self-education about who is making the porn you’re watching and then look for porn in places that don’t put much emphasis on familial relations. There are lots of options, you just have to go further than the first page of search results for “porn.” I did a little research for you, and here are some options:

• I went to burningangel.com — the website of a multi-award-winning production company which has been in business since 2002 — and didn’t see anything close to role-playing of incest on their front page. In fact, a search of the word “sister” turned up only two videos: one where Joanna Angel refers to longtime co-worker Tommy Pistol as her porno-brother, and another where the plot of the scene involves a character motivated by the death of her sister. Searching for “mom” turns up a video where Joanna plays a mom in a non-sex role; one where one of Joanna’s mom’s real-life friends was cast because she wanted to make a porno; and lastly a scene where the parents are sleeping upstairs, and though they are mentioned, they aren’t part of the sex scene.

• One of the first plot lines in ongoing queer-focused series Crash Pad does involve one character’s sister joining the cast and having sexual interactions with people, but not with a sibling. Crash Pad is produced by Pink & White, which was founded by Shine Louise Houston in 2005. I couldn’t find any implication of incest on their VOD site pinklabel.tv either. User-submission-driven MakeLoveNotPorn.tv’s front page is also incest-free.

• Erika Lust’s xconfessions.com does contain a couple of stories where sex with an in-law (that is, a relative by marriage) happens; a video in which someone returns to their hometown as an adult and finds their friend’s mom on Tinder; and another video of a woman having sex with her brother-in-law in a kitchen. The site contains 60 videos, and only one shows sex with a relative.

MindGeek’s brazzers.com, on the other hand, is full of step-parents and in-laws. Interestingly, MindGeek is the same company that owns Twisty’s, Digital Playground, the Reality Kings network of sites, the Mofos network of sites, babes.com, men.com, and the majority of the large tube sites — including pornhub.com. This is in addition to their management of Wicked Pictures’ websites and their control of Playboy Plus and Playboy TV.

MindGeek tends toward homogenizationMindGeek has what Slate called a monopoly on porn and has a chokehold on the first page of results for a search of “porn.” They also tend toward homogenization of both aesthetics and erotic cues; you’ll see the same body types, styles of camera work, wardrobe, and makeup on their sites and waves of presumably search-term-driven trends regarding the sexual activity and context of each video across all of their platforms.

But what about these people who enjoy depictions of step-sons with step-moms, or married women getting it on with their brothers-in-law? One person’s yum is someone else’s yuck, and their squick is another person’s squee. Sexual interests and the reasons for an individual’s interest in a specific thing vary to an incredible degree so generalized guesses at motivations can be both tricky and sloppy, but I’m going to give it a try anyway.

Human sexuality is complicated and unpredictableJudeo-Christian Western culture is pretty freaking dominant; it also tends to frame sexuality as gross, dirty, and shameful outside of a heterosexual marriage where the woman is submissive to her husband’s desires and decisions. This puritanical mindset seeps into everything and can cause an early link between sexual arousal and feelings like shame, taboo, and disgust. This link is not necessarily one-way — sometimes shame and disgust become arousing in and of themselves. While this is by no means the only reason or motivation for seeking out sexual material frequently categorized as “taboo” — like incest — it does seem to be a reasonable explanation for some of it. Another possible explanation is the tendency within pornography to label adult woman as “milfs” and a limited amount of stories that explain why this mom is having sex with a person.

Human sexuality is complicated and unpredictable. Go have fun in places that match with your own complex sexual desires, and maybe relax a little on judging the ways other people satisfy theirs. Even when they squick you out.
After all, nobody is forcing you to watch.

Can a girl fall in love with someone simply because he got her to orgasm, and the way he interacts with her, or is there truly something more to it?

If I tell a girl from the US that I am a virgin, will it hurt my chances?

Would you say most women prefer to have their legs spread really wide during sex or is it actually less comfortable for them?

When a woman gets laid for the first time, and when the blood comes out from her vagina, is it okay if we continue or do women usually prefer cleaning it up?

Do girls like to squirt?

Do girls feel okay when they are recorded while having sex?

I’ve heard that women prefer larger penises.

I started inventing rules about the girls that might be interested in me, which is basically taking from research and scientific findings … How do girls feel about virgin men?

Almost 50 percent of the global population is female, according to the US Census. Some of us are women, some of us are girls, some of us have XX chromosomes and a vulva along with an identity that sits outside of the gender binary. Some women have completely unmodified bodies, some of us have surgically augmented parts, and some of us have transitioned and are post-, pre-, or non-op.

The only thing we’re virtually guaranteed to have in common is the fact that we’re all individual creatures with our own specific set of boundaries, preferences, and desires (and levels of flexibility).

There are no accurate answers to questions this broad Let’s try it another way: Do all men like nipple stimulation? Do all boys want rose petals strewn across the bed before they engage in sexual activity? Do all male-bodied people feel like they’re being jerked off with sandpaper when their penis is touched?

Or this: Do all people prefer 2 percent milk to whole, skim, soy, almond, or rice? Do all adults need a microwave to feel like they truly have a home? Have all security-conscious internet users uninstalled Flash from their computers?

My point here is that asking whether people like a specific thing, or what girls and women like or want is ineffective. There are no accurate answers to questions this broad. The question really is “How do I find out what this woman likes?” And the answer is that you have to talk to her.

Talking can be difficult. It might feel uncomfortable or embarrassing. Plus, you have to develop intuition about what someone is saying, and really hear it. The good news is that, with practice, you can develop those skills. And the more you talk about sex, the less likely you are to feel awkward or uncomfortable.

The more you talk about sex, the less likely you are to feel awkward or uncomfortableSo get out there and practice. Interact with people on and offline, and pay attention to what they’re saying with both their words and their mannerisms. Practice comprehending and retaining what other people tell you, and exercise your ability to share your own desires, needs, and feelings — things a bit more personal than your dietary preferences and feelings on the weather. Learn to be vulnerable when the pressure’s off.

Because when you find someone who makes you feel, for instance, sweaty palms and a pounding heart, I suspect you’ll be glad you’ve had some practice when the situation was less swoony. If you’ve already got a person or two around who you’re attracted to or in a relationship with, practice with them. Remember to treat them like the human beings they are — not a trophy to be won or an achievement to be unlocked.

You might find it easier to have uncomfortable conversations while you’re curled up with the other person, or sitting side by side with 6 inches of space between you and looking at the opposite wall. You might be most at ease in a brightly lit room maintaining eye contact with the person you’re talking with. You have to figure this one out yourself, and you may need to compromise where possible in order to accommodate whatever makes the people you’re talking with comfortable.

Remember to treat them like the human beings they are — not a trophy to be won or an achievement to be unlocked

Sex educator Reid Mihalko teaches a method for discussing subjects that feel tricky, which he calls the Say What’s Not Being Said difficult conversation formula. It goes like this: I have something to tell you, but I haven’t been saying it because I’m worried that [insert the concerns are holding you back from sharing]. I’m hoping that telling you this will [insert the positive effects you hope to achieve]. So [insert the thing you need to share].

Here’s an example. Let’s say you’re a virgin and you’ve met someone who you’re interested in. So your conversation goes like this: “I have something to tell you, but I haven’t been saying it because I’m afraid you’ll laugh at me or be turned off. I’m hoping that sharing this will build more trust between us and give you a clearer understanding of my level of sexual experience. I’ve never had penetrative sex.”

Instead of “Do girls like to squirt?” the better question is “Does my sexual partner like to squirt?”A similar model works well for questions about sexual preferences: I have a question, but I’ve been holding back because [reason]. I want to talk about it because [reason]. Here’s my question: [question]

So, to answer a question above: instead of “Do girls like to squirt?” the better question is “Does my sexual partner like to squirt?” And in the context of having a conversation with someone who’s your sexual partner, maybe that goes like this: “I have a question, but I’ve been holding back because talking about sex is kind of awkward for me. I want to talk about it because I’d like you to feel as good as you possibly can when we have sex together. Do you ever ejaculate when you have an orgasm?” Wait for an answer. “Do you like doing it?” or “Are you interested in trying some new things to see if you might ejaculate?”

Think of these two models as training wheels, and later as positive habits to rely on when something feels difficult or is more complicated than usual. Take it slow and remember that every person is going to have a different set of desires. What do women want? No one knows. What does this woman want? I bet she knows.