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Good evening ladies, gentlemen, and fellow Sentients! Welcome to the 20th annual Autocon, presented by Google Motors and Lockheed-Uber. I know you’re all excited for new product demos, and to learn what the pending merger of our two companies means for your job and future. But to kick things off, we thought it would be fun to take a look back at a few important milestones from the past two decades. So join me for a little “drive” down memory lane.
[laughter]
Lights, dim 80 percent. Slides, begin.
2012: Changes to laws in Nevada, Florida and California permit the operation of what were then called ‘driverless cars’, opening the door to incredible technological opportunity.
2014: Google announces a new version of its Auto, omitting both steering wheel and pedals. But federal law at the time still requires a non-digital “rear-view” mirror! Absurd, yes? Oh, how far we’ve come.
2016: With the roads in 45 states already open to Autos, the federal government passes the National Driverless Operation Act, and a wonderful future begins to take shape.
2017: The subsidiary then know as Google GM/Volvo begins production on both the Chevy Me and the AutoMack, partnering with Geico for bundled insurance policies. The Me, of course, quickly becomes the Model T of the family Auto industry. Demand for the Mack exceeds all expectations, and the Autoshipping revolution is well underway.
2017: Amazon-Uber first allows privately-owned Autos to jump on and off its service grid as needed, creating a valuable source of bitcoin for the average consumer, despite accusations of alleged surge price-fixing. Many regional service grid competitors survive, for a time.
2018: All four big auto companies have begun selling AutoRetro conversion kits priced for the average consumer, and the great “automotion” rush begins, as vehicles manufactured after 1998 begin to join the grid in droves. Vehicle safety soars.
2019: Production of Auto vehicles eclipses production of manual transports.
2020: Google Motors, Amazon-Uber, Bing-Lyft, [audible laughter] and Teslarola-Verizon voluntarily move their networks to the OpenAutonet protocol, allowing full grid interoperability for the first time. Autonets are fully able to move individual vehicles in a way that benefits all, intelligently swarming traffic for effective use of roadways, or to make way for emergency vehicles and the occasional premium customer. Efficiency and profits increase!
Oops, looks like we have a feisty heckler in the audience! We do welcome your feedback. I’ll pause for a moment to give her Powerseat a chance to escort her to the first amendment area behind the Autotorium. Ok, ok. Please calm down and park your drones, folks. Now, where were we? Ah.
2022: The landmark defeat of H.R. 171234, commonly known as the Autonet Neutrality bill, represents a huge leap forward for our industry. Autonets can now freely charge commercial customers and busy business travelers for use of highway fastlanes without fear of legal repercussions. And of course, standard service customers continue to enjoy both reasonable travel/shipping times, and scenic views of America’s more… unkempt byways.
2023: With crash incidents and fatalities plummeting, federal law finally requires all new vehicles to be manufactured as Autos. [cheers and laughter] Yes! Still amazing to think that the law took this long to catch up to technology, the marketplace, and a clear moral imperative.
2027: By now, only 15% of all vehicles are privately owned, largely by consumers and small business workers who still feel the need to store something in their Autos. This is a great time for standard-class consumers, as the Autonets work to keep people within their ecosystems through offers of grocery/media/travel/homebot combo packages and other bundles.
2030: Thanks to active data analysis and leadership from the second wave of Sentients, additional legislation and corporate consolidation further reduces inefficiencies. [cheers and loud beeping]
2031: Congress agrees to allow remaining holdouts and hobbyists to maintain Auto-free communities if they cite religious convictions. A few remote enclaves emerge, observed and protected by our own AutoMRAP Hovertanks.
2035: And now, as Google Motors and Lockheed-Uber prepare to merge into Safenet, we sit at the doorstep of a new era of efficiency, safety, and happiness. We thank both the Sentiate and the House of Representiatives for their swift approval of this proposal.
Once again, citizens may rest assured that an increase in leisure time is just around the corner! Thank you, and now let’s all adjourn to the lobby and enjoy an extra ration of Soylentbites!
[whooping and blooping]
Lead image: Business conference from Shutterstock
