Ask Stoya: I moved in with my girlfriend and now my dick won’t cooperate

I’ve just moved in with my girlfriend of about a year and am having trouble keeping an erection during sex. While this problem has plagued us on and off during our relationship, it’s recently gotten to the point where I lose an erection within minutes of having sex every single time, forcing us to resort to oral sex. Part of me wonders if we’re having too much sex (we typically have sex once a day), if there’s something wrong with me, or if there’s something else we can do. Is this common? I hate feeling like I’m letting her down every day, and I hate not being able to perform the way I know I can. Help!

-A

It sounds like you’re putting pressure on yourself to perform, and that pressure is getting in your head and psyching you out. So where is that pressure coming from? I have a guess.

Sex doesn't need to be focused entirely on orgasmsIf we go way back to the 1800s in the US, when people were categorized as men (who were allowed to own property, vote, and have rights—as long as they looked white and had some money) and women (who were given to men—by their fathers—during marriage ceremonies, denied equal access to education, and treated as walking incubators for babies) the idea that a person with a uterus might want to have an orgasm every once in a while sounded kind of crazy. "Female hysteria" was an actual diagnosis that was applied to people showing symptoms ranging from what doctors now understand as epilepsy though to simple manifestations of sexual desire—like erotic fantasy and vaginal lubrication. Hysteria was sometimes treated by what we now call a vibrator but also sometimes treated by cutting the tip of the clitoris off.

Compared to that, the emphasis on women’s pleasure that happened in the later half of the 20th century in the Western world was necessary and beautiful. But this emphasis sometimes leads to people putting pressure on themselves to have an orgasm, or to make sure their partner has an orgasm, and sex really doesn’t need to be entirely focused on orgasms. This pressure frequently makes relaxing more difficult, putting orgasm further out of reach and resulting in even more pressure.

Recreational sex should be enjoyable. It sounds like sex, for you, has become a task that you want to get an A+ on — to the point that you’re not having fun. So let’s work on finding you some chill with regards to sexual performance, erections, and obligations.

Nobody owes you sex, and you don't owe anybody else sexThe first thing is to make sure you firmly understand that nobody owes you sex, and you don’t owe anybody else sex. Depending on what turns you on / gets you off and what works for your partner(s), it might be fun to demand orgasms, play with consensual objectification, or frame sexual activity as a service within a dominant / submissive dynamic. Those games, though, are discussed and agreed to before any sexual activity takes place. After all, nobody owes anyone sex — much less penetrative sex or an orgasm. And even in a role-playing or BDSM context, you or your partner(s) should always be able to use a safe word (or safe signal) to call a stop to all the games.

The second thing is to get ready to tell your girlfriend how you’re feeling and what you might like to do about it. Reid Mihalko’s Say What’s Not Being Said formula for difficult conversations might come in handy here. You might start with "I want to discuss something with you but I’m afraid you might think it means I don’t find you sexually attractive."

Then explain that you’ve put a lot of pressure on yourself to perform sexually, and that it’s gone sideways and is hurting your enjoyment of sexual interactions the two of you have. If you can figure out and share the specifics of where this internal pressure is coming from, this would be a good time to share them.

Explain you've put a lot of pressure on yourself to perform sexually The third thing, finally, is to do something. Or rather, not do something.

I suggest you take some time (a few days? a couple of weeks? you’ll have to decide what length of time feels right) off from sex. Think of it as the "turn it off and turn it back on" of fucking. If either of you feel like masturbating, knock yourselves out. If you do feel like masturbating, concentrate on what feels good as opposed to what gets you to orgasm. Don’t hold back from having an orgasm or ejaculating—unless you want to—but keep your focus on the sensations you’re feeling.

Try to be focused on what's happening in the momentWhen you do start interacting sexually with your girlfriend again, try to be focused on what’s happening in the moment. Think of sex as a fun thing you do with each other—or to each other—that has value as a process. Find the parts about the process that are enjoyable to you: Do you love feeling your cock get hard against her hip while you inhale the scent of your girlfriend’s hair? Do you really really like the way her breath tickles your arm or neck or wherever her breath might tickle?

Oral sex can be a delight, as can digital sex (meaning using fingers) and sex that involves vibrators or dildos. Spend some time getting each other off that way. Like, a lot of time: weeks if possible. Then (pending her consent) fuck your girlfriend with your dick for as long as you’re both having fun and precisely no longer.

Lastly—just to be on the safer side—mention this to your primary care physician the next time you see them. Your sexual organs are part of your whole body, and sometimes changes in things like blood flow to your genitals can be related to issues with blood flow in general.

When you frame sex as a journey, you have a better chance of avoiding pressure to reach the destination of orgasm — and get a fuller experience of the physical sensations and / or emotional intimacy that happen along the way. Worry less about letting someone down and more about all the wonderful parts of sex other than orgasm.