Chevrolet is announcing the next-generation Cruze this week, a small sedan that’s designed to appeal to the younger set. That’s causing General Motors’ communications team to get a little loopy, it seems, because they’ve just put out this:
Here is my translation of Chevrolet’s all-emoji press release
Jeff Curry/Getty Images
In case you don’t have time to translate that nonsense into something that doesn’t require a millennial mind to process, I’ve taken the liberty of doing that for you:
Happy person loves car
City car music, stop. Dash city, city, city, city, 11 o'clock in the evening, happy and sad, a new car chicks love. Swap your phone, go bowling with triangles, and gas up for basketball, football, soccer, baseball, tennis, and bicycling. Thumbs-up for new bread, dresses, shoes, lipstick, and dancers who text each other. Cars for businesspeople who text, "I have an idea for a new car on the Earth."
- Triangle: I love strong basketball and football championships
- Phone signal: Seven phones are cool, but look up and read 100 books. Cars love phones. Diamonds will make you squint.
- Coach seat on an aircraft: Walk, dance, and fix your hair.
- Gas: 2015: 35 per bridge into 2016. Applause! In six hours, it'll be the 15th; stocks are rising.
- Danger: Thinking about purses. OnStar.
- Car: Soon, flowers.
- Car: The Earth rotates.
A car travels from day to night, through rainbows, cities, and bridges! Cars, phones, gas stations, rollercoasters. Love it 100 times, check.
Search for 1911 destination city car music, stop. Chevrolet and three Earths. Chevrolet goes to gas stations that you love.
Get sleepy, use a computer and a phone to visit www.chevrolet.com.
You can blame the snake people for this.
Verge Video: Up-close with the all-electric Chevy Bolt
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